Dear Husband

[Bluebird]

Dear Husband,
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn’t get more than you did:

* 5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
* 36 times you did not come home at all
* 21 times you didn’t come with energy
* 33 times you came too soon
* 20 times you went soft before you got in
* 38 times you worked too late
* 10 times you got cramps in your toes
* 29 times you had to get up early to play golf
* 2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
* 6 times you got it stuck in your zipper
* 3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
* 2 times you had a splinter in your finger
* 20 times you lost the motion after thinking about it all day
* 6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
* 98 times you were too busy watching TV

Of the times we did get together:

* The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
* I wasn’t talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, “Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?.”
* The time you felt me moved was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

 

[Bluebird]

Dear Ex-Husband:

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my programs so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a retard," but my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have me confused with my sister, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $25 from me that morning... and your silk boxers were $24.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.

So when I discovered that I had hit the lottery for ten million quid, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Hawaii. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My solicitor said that, with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a penny from me.

So take care.

Signed
Rich As Hell and Free!.
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carla, my sister, was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem?.